Mah daddy, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Jr., raised me to respect the history of the glorious Confederacy. We were both named for that hero of the South, President Jefferson Davis and P. T. G. Beauregard, the “hero of Fort Sumpter.” That’s raht, mah people started the Civil War. Some patriots are lobbyin’ for me to start the Second Civil War. Will y’all film that, Ken Burns?
It is to honor our brave Confederate soldier boys that Ah am protectin’ the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. Whah, the very idea that noble and pure and wholesome Southern women should be forced to live amongst sodomizers is a travesty. Good whaht men venerate their wives’ ‘back doors.’ Horny boys only sodomize sheep in Alabama, to relieve them of unnatural sexual urges.
Ah am appalled at bein’ besmirched and persecuted bah people like that uppity-sassy-saucy-zippety-doo-da niggra Senator Kamala Harris and her disrespectful questions in yesterday’s hearing. Wasn’t so long ago that a colored lady maht be visited by the KKK for insultin’ a Son of the South.
And that “Indian” Elizabeth Warren. She was rebuked for impunin’ a senator’s character. She ought to have been thrown into a smokehouse and cured, lahk Southern gentleman did to uppity slaves.
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (see, the darkies can say “colored,” but Ah can’t) and the American Civil Liberties Union are Communist inspahred. Their agenda is to force liberal propaganda down our throats. Ah for one don’t swallah.
Those Democrats have been researchin’ and takin’ mah comments out of contest. Yes, I once remarked that the KKK was okay – until they started smokin’ pot. That was a joke. Can’t nobody take a joke? Wha, that Jew Stephen Colbert, if he made that joke, folks would be laughin’ and peein’ themselves. That sonofabitch said I was “the last Little Rascal.” Me, a Methodist Sunday School teacher!
Senator Ted Kennedy once called me a “disgrace” and “a throw-back to a shameful era.” Wha? Because I sued the so-called Gay Lesbian Bisexual Alliance – that is wha. Well, Senator Dead Kennedy, at least I didn’t drown Mary Jo McCallister off the Tallahassee Bridge.
For the record: Ah did not have communications with them Russian fellows, sexual or otherwahse. Sergei Kislyak can kiss mah whaht butt. As for that photo which purports to show me jawin’ with Sergei a third tahm, that is photoshopped, plain to see.
Them 60% people want me to resahgn? Ah don’t work for y’all libtards. Ah work for the minority of whaht people because they are an endangered species. Libtards crah their eyes out for bald eagles and butterflahs, but not for whaht people.
Before y’all judge me, look at mah ratings. Pro-environment groups gave me a 7%. Zero rating from the Lesbo Human Rahts Campaign. Senator Joe Al Franken: F. Big Business: A. Coal industry: A. Ted Nugent: A.
Ah rest mah case.
