Take Me Out (to the Ballgame)

TV Narrator: Fans, Majority League Baseball™ has announced more rule changes, intending to liven up slow games even more. Starting in 2024, a new position will be added: Designated Sniper. He or she will be chosen for their skills in shooting teenage door knockers, people of certain, uh, hue, road rage drivers, and antifa.

The designated sniper will “fire a hard one” randomly from the centerfield bleachers, the stadium rooftop, the men’s restroom, the pretzel stand. Talk about heat! The bullet will travel 3,000 feet per second! Beat that, Aroldus Chapman, Mr. 105 MPH!

During play, the designated sniper’s AK-47 will be able to stop a base stealer or a pitcher or a batboy or batgirl or a fielder lunging for the ball by firing. Talk about your kill the umpire! If the designated sniper misses, they cannot call seconds.

The first trial game occurred on May 27th, 2023, at Wayne LaPierre North-Dakota Stadium in Elephant’s Breath, Wyoming, with two minor league teams the Montegues and the Capulets facing off. The following is a highlight reel. Sportscaster Don Dickson makes the call:

Don Dickson: Bidet, the runner on third has a big lead. . . Here’s the pitch. Oh, the runner’s stealing home. He slides . . . no, wait. He has been shot by Trigger Rogers, Miss Wyoming and today’s designated sniper, ladies and gentlemen! OMG, the catcher has been shot by the same bullet! The umpire calls the runner and the catcher out. They’re out out, alright. The crowd is going crazy!

TV Narrator: It gets crazier. Fans, Majority League Baseball™ hasn’t forgotten you. Upon arrival at the ticket gate, the first people to watch a game with the designated sniper rule receive chits with numbers, one of those numbers making a lucky dad or mom or kiddie a second target. The wounded or killee’s ™ family will receive team pennants, autographed baseballs, all the hot dogs they could eat, Charlton Heston’s memoir, “My Cold, Dead Hands,” and unlimited Bud Lite beer!

Now, enjoy this second clip from the game on May 30th. Take it away, Don.

Don Dickson: Two men on, two outs, infield in, and here’s the pitch. Line drive over the shortstop’s head. The designated sniper fires at right fielder Stevie “Wonder” Miller. It’s a head shot, the ball rolls to the wall, the head rolls left! Wonder’s teammates are removing his gold chain and smart watch! Three runs score!

Wait, did I hear an explosion?. . . we’re looking for some lucky shootee™.

(Crowd cheers.)

Found her! Along the third baseline, a little girl carrying a box of popcorn has been shot through the kneecap! Her father catches the box of bloody popcorn! What a catch—sign him up!

And now ushers and paramedics are rushing to the family. . . the little girl is screaming, the parents are jumping up and down with joy, the vendors are offering hot dogs and Bud Lite! Speaking of which: Say, fans, don’t forget to stock up on Lindsey’s foot-long Bro-brats! At fine stores everywhere.

Oh, what a moment. . . The paramedics, twins Matt and Billy Joe Gates are lifting the girl onto a stretcher. Matt Gates is giving the little girl mouth to mouth resuscitation and rubbing her chest. Wait for it: Yes! She’s waving to the crowd! The sniper is fending off adoring women who are climbing their idol! Holy Cow! Our reporter, Mia Foula Fannie, is with the girl’s mother. Mia?

Mia Foula Fannie: Thanks, Don Dickson. Congratulations, mom, you must be very proud.

Mother: We love you, and Don the “Dick,” Mia! Thank you and thank Majority League Baseball™ for this wonderful idea. It takes the fear out of getting shot.

Mia (to the father): Sounds like you might get lucky tonight.

Father: I hope so. Wanna join us, Mia?

Mia: I’ll check my calendar. Thoughts and prayers to your daughter, our first shootee™. . . Don Dickson, introduce our designated sniper.

Don: Mia, today’s designated sniper is gun owner Kanye “Puffy” West-wing. Take a bow, Puffy!

(Crowd cheers.)

We’re just gotten word that right fielder Mitch O’Conway will never be able to play again. He couldn’t keep his head in the game. Never means never, Mia Foula Fannie.

Mia: And no means no, Don the Dick. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Mitch O’Conway and his wife Marjorie Tylor Moore. Back to the booth.

Don: Thanks, Mia. Say, girl, wow oh wow oh wow™, I don’t see any panties under that tight skirt.

Mia (laughing): Don the “Dick,” you pig. What would your wife Melodia say?

Don: Just kidding, kiddo. Great job. Melodia sends her love.

Mia: Love you, Donster!

(We hear rat-a-tat noises.)

Don: Wait a minute, folks. This “Wait a Minute” moment is brought to you by the Gospel of Mark. “Jesus said to him, ‘If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes.’ Mark 9:23.

Back to the action. Puffy West-wing the designated sniper is. . . oh my God, he’s firing his assault rifle indiscriminately, mowing down people around him. Speaking of mowed down, get on down to downtown Elephant’s Breath to Penny Pence’s Hardware for all your mowing needs. Take a test run on the new Mother Electric 5000!

Oh my God, he just shot Mia Foula Fanny! That is illegal—wait. Oh my God, the second base umpire has ruled it’s legal! Oh my God, I can confirm that Fannie has no panties! I’m being told by my producer that Puffy West-wing will be escorted out of the stadium and given a parade sponsored by Majority League Baseball™! Wow oh wow oh wow™. Fans are falling like dominoes. Speaking of dominoes, order your Dominoes’ Pizza on your way home. Try their new magic shroom and sausage pizza today!

Wow oh wow oh wow™, America! You can’t beat Majority League Baseball™! Don’t forget to press ‘like’ Don the “Dick” on Facebook. See you tomorrow, folks!

TV Narrator: As the great Yankee Yogi Berra once said, “The future ain’t what it used to be.” Yogi was right. Rest assured, Majority League Baseball™ is right! God bless you, and God bless America. Let our own Don Dickson have the last word, actually, the last five words: “Wow oh wow oh wow!™ (listening to earpiece) Oh, I’ve just been informed Don Dixon was shot to. . .

(Fade. The credits roll: In memorium, Mia Foula Fannie. She sacrificed her life for baseball. In lieu of flowers, send checks to the Mia Foula You-a Foula Fund for Tots.)


About Eugene Jones Baldwin

I am a writer: non-fiction, fiction, journalism (Alton Telegraph), essays (The Genehouse Chronicles) and have a website: eugenebaldwin.com. I've published a couple dozen short stories and had eleven plays produced. Current projects: "Brother of the Stones" (available on Kindle), a book of short stories; "The Faithful Husband of the Rain, short stories"; "A Black Soldier's Letters Home, WWII,;" "There is No Color in Justice," a commentary on racism; "Ratkillers," a new play. I am an avocational archaeologist and I take parts of my collection of several thousand Indian artifacts (personal finds) to schools, nature centers, libraries etc. and talk about the 20,000 year history of The First people in Illinois. (See link to website) I'm also a playwright (eleven plays produced), musician, historian (authority on the Underground Railroad in Illinois, the Tuskegee Airmen) and teacher.
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