Jonathan Swiftboat’s A Modest Proposal

The Missouri legislature, already known for Whitey, pre-Darwin behavior, in addition to passing a particularly draconian abortion bill, recently decided that Missouri voters were misguided when they voted for a “Clean Missouri,” initiative, a package of laws which included raising the minimum wage, end lobbying at the statehouse and redrawing Republican jerrymandered districts. Clean Missouri passed in a Republican state!


But, how did Republican Whitey governor Mike Parson and the legislature respond? They held a press conference and pledged to follow the will of the people. Just kidding. They insulted the voters by insinuating that the electorate was not knowledgeable enough to vote this way, and they passed laws which would make the Clean Missouri initiative unenforceable.

“Fundamentally, you think when the people vote you shouldn’t be changing that vote,” Parson told the AP. “But the reality of it is that is somewhat what your job is sometimes, if you know something’s unconstitutional, if you know some of it’s not right.”

In other words, Parson and his fellow Whitey conservative Republicans know better than the voters.

The Whitey Alabama legislature, oblivious to the overwhelming majority of voters who support a woman’s right to choose, and citing horrifying false information re fetuses, have voted to make the unborn “people.” Will these unborn “people” be able to: Vote? Get health insurance? Carry conceal carry weapons? Masturbate while watching “Mike Pence Gay Porn for the Unborn?”

Donald Trump is guilty of the same hubris, nominating anti-environment people to key environmental positions, even at the risk of destroying the environment. His anthem, to the tune of “Power to the People,” is “Fuck You to the People.”

A Modest Proposal:

  1. It shall be lawful for voters to grab legislators who don’t act on constituents’ wishes by the lapels, drag them to public spaces, and put them in stocks and force them to listen 24/7 to Rush Limbaugh and Nancy Pelosi. Imagine Mike Parson having to repeat over and over: “I am an arrogant whitey asshole” while Pelosi’s voice licks his earhole.

2. It shall be lawful to force self-interested legislators such as Mitch McConnell to bloviate, “I am the Grim Reaper when it comes to the Green New Deal,” while sitting in a pig manure retention pond.

3. It shall be lawful to force the head of EPA and his grandchildren to drink crude oil with their natural gas injected pork chops while sitting outside a grizzly bear den.

4. It shall be lawful to make lobbyists for the plastic industry subsist on a diet of plastic dust while sleeping on plastic water bottles and spending jail time removing plastic from wild animals.

5. It shall be lawful to make Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders eat unlimited Colonel Sanders—his chicken, that is—while she lies to the press, grease spewing from her dead eyeballs and congealing on her daddy Whitey Mikey.

6. It shall be lawful to make President Trump eat Legos preformed into his own verifiable lying words and fed to him by clients of an abused women’s shelter.

I said it was modest, didn’t I?

About Eugene Jones Baldwin

I am a writer: non-fiction, fiction, journalism (Alton Telegraph), essays (The Genehouse Chronicles) and have a website: I've published a couple dozen short stories and had eleven plays produced. Current projects: "Brother of the Stones" (available on Kindle), a book of short stories; "The Faithful Husband of the Rain, short stories"; "A Black Soldier's Letters Home, WWII,;" "There is No Color in Justice," a commentary on racism; "Ratkillers," a new play. I am an avocational archaeologist and I take parts of my collection of several thousand Indian artifacts (personal finds) to schools, nature centers, libraries etc. and talk about the 20,000 year history of The First people in Illinois. (See link to website) I'm also a playwright (eleven plays produced), musician, historian (authority on the Underground Railroad in Illinois, the Tuskegee Airmen) and teacher.
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