Paul Ryan is going home. Yay! He wants to spend time with his kids. Yay! Kids: Dad, please, no more Ayn Rand!
If you haven’t noticed, novelist and Objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand is hot with current Republicans. Rand Paul, Paul Ryan, Steve Bannon and the ilk. If you haven’t read Rand, you don’t get the fuss.
I read all of Rand’s (Ayn, not Rand Paul) books as a teenager. In the age before internet porn, teenage boys read Ayn Rand and masturbated. Rand was all about European elitism and selfishness and exploitation of the world’s resources for their own benefit—I mean Objectivism. Her prose is purple, swollen, erect, explosive.
Let us imagine seventh grader Paul Ryan in his bedroom, reading “The Fountainhead,” about a visionary man (white narcissist of course) named Howard Roark who sublimates by designing buildings, or “Atlas Shrugged,” where America is falling into ruin, its government systematically seeking out brilliant people and stifling their creativity, for the greater good.
And little Paulie R. plays with his hairless little friend between his legs and formulates his own ideas regarding the downtrodden and the rich.
The Objectivists are “brilliant” people—just ask them—defined by a second-rate philosopher who lived a soap opera life of scandal, was not the least objective, and a scribbler of succulent prose who proposed that elite Europeans should more or less stomp the little people on their way to building giant erections (skyscrapers). It doesn’t sound sexy to modern ears. And that’s one of the problems.
Republicans loathe intimacy but like orgasms. Many prefer illicit orgasms. They’re all about the squirt. Ayn Rand is a prose squirter. It would be a match made in heaven (except, Rand was an atheist), Ayn and Stevie B. and the right wingers masturbating around a campfire. (Ronald Reagan was a regular at a California nature retreat where he and Henry Kissinger and others squirters peed together. I’m not making it up; the New Yorker wrote a feature about it.)
But. Rand would despise the current Republicans with their collective tiny IQ. Not for her, evangelical squirters and “Babbitt” squirters and the like. Ayn was a smart Fascist.
“She makes Mickey Spillane look like Dostoevsky.” The great writer Flannery O’Connor writing to a friend about Ayn Rand, Rand having commented that Spillane was better than Tolstoy.
It’s not just the turgid writing. Objectivism failed to note that the vaunted freedom of the supermen would come at the price of creating what we are just now aware: the rape of the planet, to the benefit of businessmen and no one else. Business, like evangelicalism now cries with the voice of tRump: We’re endangered, too much regulation, war on Christians. Bullshit. The war is on us.
So … Paul Ryan, you onanism-loving son of a gun, settle back and read NBR—nothing but Rand—until you puke of pusillanimous prose poisoning. You long ago rejected the art of thinking, and you are condemned to keep your mouth shut. As for your kids, may they rebel and make your Ayn Rand-loving self, miserable.
Congratulations on your retirement!