Biblical

February 16, 2015

“Come for coffee and toast.” Irene 2:16

And verily I dideth come to my neighbor’s house, past shoveling out from snow and her dog did lick me and play tug-of-war with me and sniff my socked feet. For lo, rain and sleet and six inches of snow, first snow of the winter, did fall from the heavens, and it was good and pretty and NO MORE FRIGGING SNOW!

“Take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils and millet, and spelt and put them in one vessel…” Ezekiel 4:9

And verily Irene served me strong coffee and blueberries and strawberries and Ezekiel bread, and it was good—it was mouth heaven, tongue ambrosia, throat lozenge, tummy tickle. And no other bread can I puteth in my bread hole, for once thou hast tasted Ezekiel, to eat less than that heavenly grain would be freak-ial.

“You have to freeze it or it rots.” Irene 2:17

Verily, Ezekiel bread ist grain only—no flour, gluten, cat hair, birdseed, mouse droppings, sugar, monosodium glutamate, carbon fiber, high fructose corn syrup, chef spit, bacon drippings, Ajax (“the foaming cleanser”), Cesium 12, squirrel brains, lard, lead, lye, leek, land (dirt), bellybutton lint, lust, luge oil, linseed, lap dancer, lip or lip parts, loam (dirt), liars, lyres or Facebook likers.

“Then God said, ‘Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you.” Genesis 1:29

Verily: Teff, black quinoa, barley, brown rice, spelt, amaranth, chia, soy, flax, rye, corn, millet, sorghum, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, unprocessed bran, sunflower seeds, McIlhenny’s Tabasco sauce. Thou canst make a chia pet from this bread!

“You won’t be hungry all day; you won’t want lunch.” Irene 2:18

Verily I am hungry RIGHT THIS FRIGGING MINUTE, 10:15 am, Irene! Still, Ezekiel doth course through my small intestine and sing a toot of joy.

“Of course we’re open, Gene!” Clifton Country Inn 666:6

Verily at high noon shallst I dine on soup steeped and strained and stylized and stupefacient in McIlhenny pepper sauce—no bread (curse you, Ezekiel, your tastiness), wheat bread, white bread, rye bread, crackers—and tea. And crackers will surroundeth me and wry white people.

And fie on snow, on soot, on salted street. Let’s:

“Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” Ezekiel 4:12

Sheeeeeeeeit.

 

 

 

 

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