Buy the Buy

August 6, 2016

I am one of several bloggers from around the country who have been asked to file my personal observations regarding the Olympic games in Brazil. Having watched the opening ceremony, I think the thing that got to me the most were the commercial endorsements by American athletes.

I was particularly impressed with the girl gymnast who danced and flipped down a highway for a product, the swimmer promoting hair gel products, and lots of boy and girl gymnasts in uniforms taking over a jet plane and flipping over laughing customers. Those cute little tykes! Oh yeah, and the winter Olympics star who was in a series of commercials where she appeared to be a dweeb in trying out summer sports. Hilarious! And so American!

Of course, the commercials were filmed well in advance of the games. Which might now seem ironic, as those endless NBC inspiring stories of our athletes overcoming adversity, which ordinarily bring us to tears, now are tinged because Americans being Americans, they have become rich pitch whores.

I realize I am the elephant in the room (not the Republican one that is trampling our democracy). So when my Olympic bosses threatened me with job termination, I decided to I toe the company line. Hey, I need the cash for a hair transplant. As of this morning, I am on board the Olympic train with both feet, baby.*

So the Olympics begin today.* I suppose I’ll watch.* My favorite event is women’s beach volleyball.* But I’ll probably watch some Dream Team hoops.* And I like the Marathon.* And how about those running dudes whose floppy penises make it look like they’re racing in their underwear.* My fave opening ceremony tribute was to the Rio slums.* I can’t wait for the Triathlon swimmers to not get e coli infections from sipping Rio Harbor water, and the rowing teams to try not to fall into Rio’s “Shit Lagoon.”

*Johnson’s Baby Powder: Official powder of the women’s gymnastics team! Use it on your feet to make them sweet. Slap it on your crotch so we can see your notch!

*Olympic Beer: Get high on our high Oregon rain forest water!

*I just feel naked without my Rolex watch!

*Slather on the Nare when you need your bikini bottom bare!

*Zanax: Dream a little dream of living on a yacht in Rio Harbor so you don’t have to live in dormitories and mingle with refugees and foreigners!

*Marathon Oil: We’re not running a sprint to combat global warming. We’re running a Marathon after the oil is all gone!

*Fruit of the Loom: Be like Mike! Not the rich part, you peon! Wear your undies tagless!

*Slums: They’re not just for Brazilians anymore! Sponsored by the Koch Brothers. “Things go better with Koch.”

*The Shit Council: Shitting on the world since humans walked upright. If it feels like shit, and it smells like shit, it must be shit!

Cha-ching! I just made a cool hundred grand in endorsements. Keep watching, suckers!

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