A Holiday Play

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


Voice on the Phone: Mr. Speaker?

Boehner: Yes?

Voice: Mr, Boehner, I’m your personal representative, from the Affordable Care Act, returning your call?

Boehner: Personal—huh. You hung up on me.

Voice: Sir, you put me on hold for thirty-five minutes. But I do apolo—

Boehner: I don’t need you anymore. I filled out the online forms, and I got an error message. It took me hours of needless toil. Obama Care doesn’t work and you know it. I proved it. The press will be here soon and I—

Voice: Uh . . . sir? You did prove something?

Boehner: Of course I did, you interrupting, liberal mouthpiece. Get a real job.

Voice: Mr. Boehner, sir, you have been approved. Congratulations!

Boehner: I am an important man and I—what?

Voice: The error message was a glitch, but your application went through and was approved.


Boehner: No.

Voice: You’re enrolled. You are going to save quite a bit of money. Not bad for a chain smoker.

Boehner (disbelief): No.

Voice: And sir, your new policy does cover tanning beds.

Boehner: No-no-no-no-no—

Voice: Congrat—

(Boehner hangs up, lights a cigarette. He dials the phone.)

Boehner: Mr. President? Fine, sir. How’s Michelle? Give her my love. And those cute little kiddies of yours. Women—I meant to say young women, yes sir. Oh, you heard. Oh yes, I am giving up my Congressional health care and staying on Obam—on the Affordable Health Care Plan. Scout’s honor, yes sir. Sir, after careful thought, I have decided to switch parties. (gales of laughter from the phone) No sir, I’m not kidding, I— You won’t take me. You like me being the elephant in the room. Sir, I’ll give up my Speaker post. I’ll— Pardon? Stay right where I’m at. You’re counting on me to kiss Ted Cruz’s ring for years to come. Give my love to my Michelle. I don’t . . . Oh. Michelle Bachman. Barack? Barry? Bucko, we’re poker bros. I’m what? Your early Christmas present. Ha-ha, very funny ho-ho-ho, sir. Enjoy my turkey? Oh . . . I am a turkey. Thank you, sir. Uh, that’s Boehner, not Boner.


On Thursday, when your family is full and through belching and burping and Grandpa’s farting and the football games suck, pass this script around, cast the parts and put on a show. Wholesome, family entertainment: It’s as American as pumpkin pie.

Oh, and I am thankful for the neo-rebels. I sense a reality show coming. Thanks, Teddy Bear C., Michelle B., Sara P. (you rascal you), Mitch and Randy Rand and Daddy Ron. Love and kisses.

Happy Thanksgiving.



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