Dear Mr. Baldwin

Dear Mr. Baldwin,
    We have received your application to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education. While we laughed at your comment, “My left testicle is smarter than Betsy DeVos,” other aspects of your resume troubled us.
    To the questions: 1. Have you ever taken drugs? 2. Have you ever committed a crime? 3. Have you ever cheated on a test? 4. Have you had impure thoughts about Kaleigh McEnany? 5. Have you ever sung along with Andy Williams to his record, the “The Little Drummer Boy?” you answered: 1. Yes-yes-yes, mushrooms yes oh yes. 2. Uh-duh. 3. Oh yeah. 4. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes—hate the K. but I’d do her. 5. Well, yes, but I was young.
    Mr. Baldwin, your answers alarmed us, what we would expect from a Republican and a man who got his MA, from pardon my smirk, DePaul University.
    Your comment, “Joe Biden is the worst, weakest, weeniest, wishy-washiest, waste-of-space-est, weak-eyed, wonk-fuck since Democratic candidate Walter Mondale,” was, while truthful, indiscreet.
    We regret to inform you that we will look elsewhere for our Education Secretary. We do have openings for our janitorial staff. Please let us know if that would be acceptable.
M. Pecksniff
Transition Coordinator
Biden for President Committee

About Eugene Jones Baldwin

I am a writer: non-fiction, fiction, journalism (Alton Telegraph), essays (The Genehouse Chronicles) and have a website: I've published a couple dozen short stories and had eleven plays produced. Current projects: "Brother of the Stones" (available on Kindle), a book of short stories; "The Faithful Husband of the Rain, short stories"; "A Black Soldier's Letters Home, WWII,;" "There is No Color in Justice," a commentary on racism; "Ratkillers," a new play. I am an avocational archaeologist and I take parts of my collection of several thousand Indian artifacts (personal finds) to schools, nature centers, libraries etc. and talk about the 20,000 year history of The First people in Illinois. (See link to website) I'm also a playwright (eleven plays produced), musician, historian (authority on the Underground Railroad in Illinois, the Tuskegee Airmen) and teacher.
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