Dear Mr. Baldwin,
We have received your application to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education. While we laughed at your comment, “My left testicle is smarter than Betsy DeVos,” other aspects of your resume troubled us.
To the questions: 1. Have you ever taken drugs? 2. Have you ever committed a crime? 3. Have you ever cheated on a test? 4. Have you had impure thoughts about Kaleigh McEnany? 5. Have you ever sung along with Andy Williams to his record, the “The Little Drummer Boy?” you answered: 1. Yes-yes-yes, mushrooms yes oh yes. 2. Uh-duh. 3. Oh yeah. 4. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes—hate the K. but I’d do her. 5. Well, yes, but I was young.
Mr. Baldwin, your answers alarmed us, what we would expect from a Republican and a man who got his MA, from pardon my smirk, DePaul University.
Your comment, “Joe Biden is the worst, weakest, weeniest, wishy-washiest, waste-of-space-est, weak-eyed, wonk-fuck since Democratic candidate Walter Mondale,” was, while truthful, indiscreet.
We regret to inform you that we will look elsewhere for our Education Secretary. We do have openings for our janitorial staff. Please let us know if that would be acceptable.
Sincerely,
M. Pecksniff
Transition Coordinator
Biden for President Committee
