Inhofe We Trust

March 3, 2015

Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe, ranking member of the Senate committee on environment, famously produced a snowball from a cooler on the Senate floor and pronounced it as proof that global warming is not happening. Such insight from the ranking senator in charge of environmental issues is breathtaking.

Of the 99.9% of climate scientists who claim that global warming began a long time ago, 55.777 % renounced their research based on the courageous Inhofe and his snowball. Said Dr. Allan Edwards of the National Science Institute, “Wow. That guy threw a snowball on the Senate floor—it was a slider down and away—and I’m like, Gosh Darn, he is right. I donated the remainder of my research grant to UNICEF.” Noted physicist Stephen Hawking put it more succinctly: “Senator Inhofe is an effing genius.”

Over last weekend, Inhofe, author of “You Say Super Tornado, I say Super Tornahdo,” wrote a new book, “Climate Change Schmimate Change: What Would Jesus Do?” which goes on sale in April. An excerpt follows:

“Whatever happens is God’s plan. He wants us to get sick and not breathe, and little boy’s sperm counts to drop and little girl’s ovaries to shrivel, and the trees to vanish and the oceans rise, and all empty land on the friggin’ planet to fill up with people? Up with people! Who am I to question His wisdom? He has called on us to rape and plunder the planet and I say, “Let’s rape us some!

“It is all in the ‘Book of Revelations,’ not in that pinko Al Gore’s book ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ God is a video game player with a holy X-Box. He is filled with Jesusy testosterone and vengeance. He is blasting the trees and the air and the water, and who are we to stop it? It’s not like we caused it. Note to self: Idea for new book: ‘God, You Rascal, You!’

Yesterday on Capitol Hill, Senator Inhofe cut off the top of his head with a chainsaw and removed his brain. He playfully said, “Here, Mr. Chairman, take this.” He threw the brain off camera—a high, breaking curve—and smiled at reporters.

Around the world, the brilliance of Senator James Inhofe has translated into action. All science research has ceased. The Alaska Range has been denuded of trees for oil drilling. Fifty pipelines from fifty states have been routed to the Gulf of Mexico, to directly spill onto those waters. Yellowstone National Park is now Yellowstone Drill and Mining, and that pesky pristine wilderness was cut down. The Grand Canyon was dynamited to mine for minerals. China is now the Factory of China. Most important, there is no Third World to touch our collective conscience. They drowned.

This just in: Inhofe’s book will not be published.

There wasn’t any paper left.

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