July 4 Address to the Nation

From our fearless, feckless, fuckless president Donald J. Trump:

“In June of 1775, the Continental Congress created a unified Army out of the Revolutionary Forces encamped around Boston and New York, and named after the great George Washington, commander in chief. The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown.

“Our Army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rocket’s red glare it had nothing but victory. And when dawn came, their star-spangled banner waved defiant.”

From “The Genehouse Hysterectomy of the United States:

The 1775 winter of Valley Forge, not to be confused for the winter at Valley Forge, two valleys two forges, one and one is two–as we all know–was…uuuuuge and baaaaaad. Followed by the musical “1776.”

Our George Washington Army manned the air, the cannons launching many mans into the air on short missions, very short missions, catching inferior British cannonballs, then hard landings–icy ground–ouch!

Nights, we rammed the Rampart sisters–well, I rammed the Rampart sisters, first cousins and a twelve-year-old serving wench.

And we stormed the airports and confiscated the planes, the J-4 Jennies,the Kraut Messerschmitt’s, the Spirit Airlines so we could fly the slaves to freedom except the good-looking lady ones.

Fort McHenry: we decorated it with glitter and spangles for the holiday. I took the flag for my personal blankie–everybody knows that the “Star-Spangled Banner” was written thirty-five years later–different war. My men didn’t know their history–tough toenails on them. They protested but I gave them my best stink-eye red glare and waved defiantly. I had nothing to do with the victory, the same as my election for president.

The next day, we bought presents for our wives and concubines–mine was named Stormy–from Cornwallis of Yorktown, a tony shop in a Jersey mall.

Cornwallis of England–boy, did we screw that rat bastard.

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