Dear Mr. Baldwin,
We know that you are a big fan of the Kennedy Center Honors (we monitor your viewing habits; you taste in porn is weirdo no-no, Gino), the annual December event in which the nation’s greatest artists are honored. Each and every honoree is feted by peers in their profession, with speeches, video clips, performances etc. The celebration is taped and shown on television a few days later.
We have a problem, Mr. Baldwin. The 2017 honorees have been contacted, and well, they all turned us down. Something about sitting next to President Trump. We’re sure you agree: the liberal arts community will not dictate to us.
Shame on: poet Rod McKuen, philosopher Dr. Wayne Dyer, columnist George F. Will, the cast of “Cheers,” and musicians Jackie Evancho and Jim Nabors.
We tried contacting a B-F List of possible honorees including the enchanting Meatloaf, Jon Voight, the great actor Scott Baio, and the stunning band Hitler Youth and the Nazi Femmes with their hit song, “Blow Me, Libtards.” Alas, none of them were available.
On a positive note, Christian rocker and bow hunter Ted Nugent of the G List will be there! Why are we contacting you? Mr. Baldwin, congratulations, you lucky man, we hereby name you a Kennedy Center Nominee! Come December, you will be sitting in the balcony of the Kennedy Center next to the Tedster, with your hand on Ivanka Trump’s pussy, and your smiling Donald J. Trump to your right, also with his hand on his daughter’s pussy!
We honor you, of course, for your slightly irreverent and naughty Genehouse Chronicles. King Trump lovingly refers to you as his Fool. Hold on to your hat, Gino, the lovely long-chinned Kellyanne Conway will read from your work onstage! Holograms of Phyliss Schlafly, old dead eyes Michelle Bachman, Miss Hopey Changey Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney’s dick, and the cast of the Jim Baker Show will read, read, read Gene!
And! A chorus line of young women in yoga pants will bend over backwards in your honor while Newt Gingrich plays with their camel toes!
See, by honoring you we prove once and for all we are not liberal haters! We love liberals—except for gays, lesbians, negroes, chinks, spics, breast feeders, Injuns, trans’, lefty elitists, people who wear glasses to prove they’re smarter than we are (ask that rascal Pol Pot how he dealt with four-eyes’!), MADD, NASA, MENSA, menstruaters, minstrels, morphydites, mitochondrial DNA, masturbators, mucus mopes, and majority-mullers!
Finally, accept this honor or you will be assassinated, you G-Lister! Better a live Genehouse than a dead Bauhaus!
Brittney Spears Mint,
Chairman, The Kennedy Center Honors Soon to be The Trump Honors at the Trump Center