So Long Kellyanne

December 4, 2016

Dear Kellyanne Conway,

Congratulations on your ascendency to the White House! How excited you must be! Girlfriend, you put the white in White House; why, you epitomize a “whiter shade of pale!”

To celebrate a real woman in “da house,” we cordially invite you to join the cast of “Alt-right Wicked,” in the role of Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West. In certain light, when you’re deflecting questions on news shows say, your skin looks remarkably greenish, and you have got the most adorable extended chin—no prosthetics for you! I mean, when you turn your head sideways, that bone of your looks like a ski jump!

You’re thinking, Hey, I can’t sing.

We don’t care! Hell, you could rap “What is this Feeling,” and the crowd would go crazy. We can just hear the cries of “fascist, racist, Kellyanne!”

I have also sent a tweet to your boss, inviting him to play the Cowardly Lion. I informed him that Alec Baldwin was our second pick. However, “Mein Fuhrer” declined, citing his feeling that playing a character would be undignified.

But good news: Rudy Giuliani has agreed to play Fiyero, your boyfriend! And we’ve added a bit where “the Rudemeister” grabs your pussy, as we know you like that sort of thing.

Kel, could we ask a favor? Would you mind, on my behalf, asking that anorexic bag of bones Ann Coulter if she would consider playing Madame Morrible?

WHY would you leave your cushy job to tour in a musical? Perhaps because, as soon as you leave the strategy room, you just know that “Psycho” Steve Bannon and “Trumplestiltskin” are rating you, a “3.” You know it won’t be long before those two sing, “So Long, Kellyanne,” and replace you with boy toy and yin to cray-cray Glen Beck’s yang, Tomi Lahren. Gosh darn, you have balls working for those two frat boys!

We plan a fifty-state tour, with cameo roles for local celebs like Sarah Palin, “old dead eyes” Michelle Bachman, that clerk Kim in Kentucky that wouldn’t issue marriage licenses to gay couples because Jesus spoke to her in a dream, crazy uncle Ben Carson, and many more!

What do you say, Sister Conway? (Are you related to Tim Conway?) Will you sign a contract? America is waiting. Attached is my card and my cell number.

Sincerely,

Donna Tartt Tongue,

Executive Producer, “Alt-Right Wicked”

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