October 30, 2015
Dear Mr. Baldwin,
This is to inform you that your pending neck surgery has been denied. You are over 65, Mr. B., the cutoff age that ushers in your Obamacare Death Panel review. Review we have, and well, it’s not looking good for you, sir.
Henceforth, there will be no further organ replacements, surgeries, life-extending medical procedures, sex or (and/or) mental therapy, nose jobs or bobs or Steve Jobs, belly button inversion, ear anything, throat (deep), breast enhancement, breast reduction, chicken breast, or penis pumps, for seniors like you. See the attachment for a full list of banned procedures.
The Obamacare Death Panel has investigated senior health care around the world and has concluded that India’s system, of sending the old to the edge of the village and laying them down on the road to die, is the most practical solution. Congratulations, Mr. Baldwin. You are an Indian!
And what a perfect time to lie on the side of the road outside Godfrey! The morning frost dissolves into a shimmering, lacy curtain, there are no insects to eat you, the leaves will cascade and braid their way into a blanket over you (watch out for crazed, Germanic leaf burners), high school girls in Spandex leggings will stand on the corners, waiting for the school bus, and taunt you and throw their butts (cigarettes, you randy Mr. Baldwin) at you. But enough of temptation!
Why, your new house is right on Route 3! You only have to step down your hill, turn left, pass by Stanka Lane and settle down!
What are you doing for the rest of your life? Reading your junk mail (yes, you get delivery until the mailman determines that you are a corpse), and your Alton Telegraph and St. Louis Post Dispatch will be thrown down on your leaf pile. Newspaper makes for great insulation and toilet paper!
Your Obamacare Death Panel is nothing if not humane, Mr. B. Our research scientists have developed a device to turn ditch water and pee into pure spring water. Godfrey garbage trucks will stop by and give you any food you desire that has passed its eat-by date. Plus! With a nod to the Indian system, you get a bowl of nuts!
Speaking of dates, we’ll be dumping—er, dropping off Ms. Samantha Wozenkowsky-Smithjones, 73, at your location! What you two codgers do is your business. What happens on the road shoulder stays on the road shoulder!
Neck surgery? You don’t need no stinkin’ neck surgery! You are going camping, Mr. B.!
So good luck, Godspeed, aloha, ta-ta, see ya wouldn’t want to be ya, so long old sport, farewell, see you on the other side, when life hands you leaves make leaf cozies!
Brittany Spears Mint
Director Seniors: Adios Lazy Shriveled Atrophying Asses (SALSAA) Division
The Obamacare Death Panel