Revenge

Some of our greatest literature is about revenge. As I kid, how I loved revenge movies. The 50s Noir movies, the “Blaxplotation” genre (“Shaft…right on”), etc. Lee Marvin and Terrence Stamp, two great and underrated actors, were in classic revenge films.

In “Point Blank,” Walker (Marvin) goes after the guys who framed him. Does he get them? Of course—he’s Lee Marvin. (See Marvin’s Hickey in “The Iceman Cometh” if you doubt his acting ability.) “The Limey” features Terrence Stamp coming from England to exact revenge for the murder of his daughter. Even the wonderful Michael Caine did a turn as “Harry Brown,” an old man, retired mobster, who wipes out young people—very satisfying. And who can forget Uma Thurman killing hundreds of swordsmen/women in “Kill Bill?”

Shakespeare did not pen the phrase, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” He did write the greatest revenge play of them all: “Hamlet.” Hamlet plots killing lots of people (what teenage male does not?), but he actually kills no one.

Is revenge, the killing of a person or persons who killed your beloved, the best form of retribution? I say no. Because the person you bumped off is gone. What then? Kill Bill is kill. All the teenagers are dead. The mobsters are dead and more mobsters will seek honor in coming after you. Shaft’s shaft has gone limp, Sheba Baby is Sheba Old Lady.

Instead of threatening your concubine with: “I will kill you,” try this: “I curse you with shingles!” Shingles is the answer!

Give your enemy shingles… and watch as he/she pussifies, burns, weeps, pulsates, pustulates, palpitates with itches, panics, pleads for God to kill him/her (not this time, sucker!), screams in agony, begs to die, the kid behind your victim points at his/her flaming, scaly head and screams, “Ma it’s the monster from “The Terror!” (Monday nights on AMC) YES!

Claudia, you who wouldn’t kiss me on prom night after I shelled out a hundred bucks for a corsage and a limo: I hope you get shingles! Hedi Weiss, gum chomping theater critic of the Chicago Sun Times who wrote: “Watching Mr. Baldwin’s play is like riding a slow train up a very steep hill”: I hope you get shingles! James Franco, rapist of literature for films and least talented actor on the planet, in the universe: I hope you get shingles! Kanye, you murmuring, mountebank Minnie the Moocher of “music”: I hope you get shingles!

I feel better already. To the Trumpstars: the billionaire and his wife; Sarah Huckleberry Hound; the Witches of West Wing; Ugly Rudy (who’s ugly? You are!); Michael Cohen goes to jail ashore, hallelujah; Lil Pissy Pence: I hope you get shingles!

As for Don Blankenship, coal executive (he said Obama was responsible for the 29 miners’ deaths HE was found guilty for): Revenge! May Walker and the Limey and Shaft (right on!) drill into your shaft, fill it with coal dust powder and baby, light your fire. Oh yes—and give you shingles.

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