Rude Hogs

Remember the W.C. Fields film “If I had a Million?” Our hero inherits money, buys an endless string of cars and drivers, and takes off on the highway, deliberately crashing into cars he perceives to be a public menace. After every crash, W.C. shouts, “Take that, you road hog!”

Which led me to think: Genehouse, what could you do to be part of the solution? And then it hit me.

I have previously stated that conceal carry is a practice of cowards. The actual perceived “need” for conceal carry, of course, is to keep yourself safe from black people. Your gun makes your dick bigger, right?

But I’m rethinking my stance on the issue. IF. If conceal carry advocates will agree to channel their aggression away from black people and perform the following public service.

1. Shoot all users of scooters in St. Louis. Yes, tourists and fat St. Louis residents are using rental scooters to ride around St. Louis. They ignore the “no riding on sidewalks” rule, and scoot along and shout, “Excuse me, excuse me!” Oh, to see a conceal carrier wheel around and shout, “Oh! Excuse me, you rude hog!” And blast the scoots to the Kingdom of Hell.

2. Tailgaters. Drive along Route 3 in Godfrey. When a tailgater approaches your bumper, slam on the brakes, get out of your car, wait for the driver to give you the finger, then pull your Glock 9 and shout, “I’ll shoot my gun, gun, gun till my daddy takes my pistol away, you rude hog!” Then send that (usually a millennial) kid (usually a female) to that place where they roast kids for din-din!

3. People in the express checkout line at Schnucks with 21 items. When the offender places that 21st item on the belt, pull your Ruger and say, “Remove that item or I will plug your melons!” And if that item remains, and the customer tells you to chill, shoot that sum bitch to that warm resort south of Earth’s crust where he will have to wait in line for eternity.

4. Rude diners. This is a wait-staff conceal carry provision. When your customer says, “Hey girlie, you’re new here, I want you to know your tip depends how you treat me (I swear to god, I heard this yesterday),” Pull out your .45 and say, “Enjoy THIS tip, you rude hog” and fill that hungry scumbag with lead and sesame seed dressing.

5. Walmart shopping cart speeders. You’re walking along, reading aisle signs, when a speeder on a cell phone whips out of aisle 6 across your bow, forcing you to stop or crash. Stop. Shout, “Hey, Trumpy, phone this, you rude hog!” Pull your .22. Aim. Think of the speeder’s ass as a target, with his asshole the bullseye. You get 5 Walmart dollars for a hit, 10 for a crack shot and 20 dollars for the bullseye. If you’re in the appliance area, the shit hits the fan!

It’s a win-win! No blacks shot, no stand your ground bullshit, BUT you get to ejaculate bullets and we will cheer!

Genehouse Inc.: Solving problems since 2015. Our motto: “Take that, you rude hogs!”

About Eugene Jones Baldwin

I am a writer: non-fiction, fiction, journalism (Alton Telegraph), essays (The Genehouse Chronicles) and have a website: I've published a couple dozen short stories and had eleven plays produced. Current projects: "Brother of the Stones" (available on Kindle), a book of short stories; "The Faithful Husband of the Rain, short stories"; "A Black Soldier's Letters Home, WWII,;" "There is No Color in Justice," a commentary on racism; "Ratkillers," a new play. I am an avocational archaeologist and I take parts of my collection of several thousand Indian artifacts (personal finds) to schools, nature centers, libraries etc. and talk about the 20,000 year history of The First people in Illinois. (See link to website) I'm also a playwright (eleven plays produced), musician, historian (authority on the Underground Railroad in Illinois, the Tuskegee Airmen) and teacher.
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