As the Saying Goes

August 4, 2015

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

Congratulations on being so old. But not so fast, you hairless geezer! All good things must come to an end, as the saying goes. Your time is up, Mr. B. Cha cha! Bye-bye!

You, along with every other American over sixty-five and two hundred pounds of weight, have been reclassified as “Borrower,” as in borrowed time. “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” as the saying goes, so you’ll be checking out real soon.

Mr. Baldwin, do you remember that old movie, “Soylent Green?” Charlton Heston plays a man who uncovers a plot to kill people and turn them into food? Well, guess what? Thanks to the Obamacare Death Squad, science fiction has become real! We are going to process you and feed you to starving children in Appalachia! Can I get an “Amen?”

You know the value of marketing, Mr. Baldwin. We can’t call our new food Soylent Green—people would get upset, damaging the quality of their meat.

Announcing . . . “Green Eggs and Ham,” the protein rich, fiber-filled, powdered meat in a box. Just add water! And! We’ll put your picture on the box faster than you can say Michael Jordon!

Mr. Baldwin, no cancer, herpes, insanity, dementia, religion or heart disease for you! You’ll die way before those things can happen.

Please fill out the enclosed form which lists your options for being killed including: garroting, hanging, shooting, poisoning, knifing, water boarding, hit and run driving, listening to Fox News, or rogering Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina while a naked Jennifer Lawrence dances and taunts you.

Time waits for no man, Mr. Baldwin, as the saying goes. On September 1, you will be joining fatsos Supreme Court justices Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia, blowhards Ron Paul, Drs. Laura, Oz and Phil, gasbag Phylis Schlafly, Oprah! and the cast of NBC’s “Hollywood Game Night,” as you all get processed in Kansas City. “Kansas City, Kansas City here you come!”

Picture toothless, Mountain Dew-swilling, hopped-on-Doritos-and-Twinkies kiddies as they dig in to their box of powdered Green Eggs and Ham! Golleeeeeee!

Oh. I mentioned Charlton Heston?

We ate him!


Emily Azimov


The Obamacare Death Squad

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