April 13, 2016
Dear Mr. Baldwin, We have received your application for residence at the Shady Pines Rest Home for Women (a Trump House Enterprise). Our admissions panel has reviewed your CV and, frankly, we find you too sunnily salacious for the Shady (Trump Inc.).
While we have been considering changing our policy and are indeed searching for a suitable first male resident, we read your “My Life as a Monti Girl” piece, in which you imply you have slept with an entire college of sex-starved girls, and it became obvious we couldn’t trust you in the hen house (Trump This LTD).
It is our judgment that your Genehouse Chronicles are lewd, disgusting, malicious, sexist, violent, parsimonious, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, flippy flippy, fabulist, flimflam, fisty, frou-frou (frooh-frooh), fatalistic, phantasmal, fish-mongering flatulence.
While a person’s politics is no barrier re residing with us, we admit a slight bias against Shady liberals. We find that Shady Conservatives (trademark pending) are docile, nostalgic, MeTV moo-moos that are easily cared for.
You posited some questions, and here are our answers. Yes, our nurses wear underwear. Yes to Poles dancing, no to pole dancing. No, we do not masturbate our guests. No, we do not offer “comfort women.” No, we do not allow Porn Hub on our computers. No, we do not allow strip poker. No, no. No. No-no-no-no-no-nonono- nonnono.
You, sir, are not Shady (A Little Trumper Boy Resort) material. You disgust me.
Ruth (you can’t handle the Ruth) Grossman-Humpback-Whale Director, Shady Pines Rest Home (a Trump House Consortium)
Ps. Perhaps we could discuss this over a G & T, under a tree, but not at S.P.R.H. (a D.J.T. Joint) as our pine trees died from global warming three years ago.