My dear friend Earl recently went on a smoothie kick. He claims he has lost weight, his blood pressure is down, his eczema is gone, and he just feels better. What does Earl put in his fancy pants blender? Frozen fruit, greens, cinnamon, ice cubes and some other stuff.
I am a spokesperson for the American Spinach Institute and Kale U.S.A. I eat those greens almost every day. That’s right—regularly, if you get my drift. Along with carrots, apples, cucumber, tomatoes. Even Scout the Cat has joined the crusade, spinach-wise.
I am also a Luddite. When the robots get you, I’ll be safe and secure in my underground bunker in Elephant’s Breath, Illinois. But Earl suggested I get on the healthy wagon bound for Heart Healthy City. A kale salad, Earl pointed out, is way less kale than a quart of pureed kale. So, damnit, I bought a modestly priced blender. The Ninja 8000. I lost six pounds in two hours on the first day.
Put the blender on the counter. Fill the container with kale AND spinach, a little orange juice, and carrots, and fire off that baby. The first result came out a shade of green that resembled puke I hadn’t seen since my hippie drug days. It was almost a solid. I called Earl and taunted him as I drank the sledge. UM! Good sledge! Did I put in the water? Earl asked. You didn’t mention water, I said.
This morning, I added frozen fruit—peaches, strawberries and pineapple—and cinnamon and water, and the color paled, and the stuff was moderately drinkable and slightly sweet. I drank my quart, pretending it was a greenish milkshake, like those Shamrock shakes at McDonalds.
Then Nature called, 1-800 BUT-HOLE (288-4653) , and I answered the call and lost another six pounds. And boy, am I ‘feelin’ groovy!’ My hair is growing back, my bunions are debunioning, my rosacea is running away, and I can feel my feet!
Attention, Ninja 8000, I am available to be the face and voice of senior blending. I’ll say to the camera, ‘I might be an old coot, but I blend smoothies, and I’m not going to die!’ ‘Regain your sight and your hearing!’ ‘Lose your shake, your dandruff, your feminine itch, your itch to be feminine, your inner feminazi, and heal your femora.
*May cause liver problems in rats. People with Type 6 diabetes should smarten up—there is no Type 6 diabetes. May cause severe rash during oral or any other kind of sex. May give you cravings for buying guitars and amplifiers. Don’t blend if your parents were from Lithuania.
Do not apply blended mash to hemorrhoids or athlete’s foot. Do not chew mothballs. If symptoms persist, call your veterinarian—he’s cheaper. May cause excessive gas, nose blowing, trickle-down-your-leg, hot flashes in men, the urge to pat people’s butts, you believing that ‘The Price is Right’ is art, Republicanism, and Nancy Pelosi Taut-Eye Syndrome.
Tomorrow, I’m adding chocolate bars.