Speedo Kills

August 23, 2016

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

I am a director of marketing at Speedo, and a big fan of the Genehouse Chronicles. As you may know, we just yesterday fired that rapscallion and disgraced Olympian Ryan Lochte. We won’t be using his bulge in a Speedo ad anytime soon!

Genehouse, we at Speedo are ready to move on to bigger and better things – if you catch my drift. We have decided to launch a Speedo line for older men, and I personally would like you to come aboard – if you get my meaning.

Specifically, the company is debuting its new Speedo Incognito, the bathing suit for the man who has nothing! (How do we know you have nothing? We saw those bad boy naked pics you sent to Jennifer Lawrence on Instagram!)

Genehouse, do you remember when you were a lad, and your girlfriend stuffed Kleenex into her bra to enhance her baby bazooms? Well, Speedo Incognito, with its patented Bulge Implant to Enhance Men’s Endowments (BITEME), plumps up your pals and beguine’s your boys – wink-wink-nudge-nudge – and your lady friend(s) will say, “Wowza!” So long as she(they) doesn’t (don’t) touch anything.

Mr. Baldwin, I envision you standing above your Mississippi River, packed into your Speedo Incognito, your pecs stuffed into our SpeedoManBra (T) with Flexiboob (T), reading a poem about Nature and ready to dive into the Father of Waters, a Leonard Cohen soundtrack singing “Suzanne, now seventy-years-old, takes you down in your Speedo Incognito and SpeedoManBra (T) with Flexiboob (T), to her place by the river.”

And since Halloween is just around the corner, and we know that the Alton Halloween Parade is the oldest parade in the country, we will build you a float of your own in which you and your old high school pals Jake and Ted and Don and Charlie all stand proudly in your Speedo Incognitos and throw candy to the kiddies!

Enclosed is my card, which has all my personal phone numbers. Speaking of numbers, Speedo is prepared to pay you in double figures – if you Grok me – HUGE DOUBLE FIGURES!

I look forward to hearing from you.


Patti Hearst Castle

Director of Marketing

Speedo Incognito, SpeedoManBra (T), Flexiboob. (T)

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