Dear Mr. Baldwin,
It has come to the attention of the White House staff that you are making fun of us. You refer to “The Whitey House,” and me as “Steve Talibannon,” Kellyanne “Con’s Way,” “Flaky Mikey Flynn,” “Mein Kampf” Miller, Penthouse Pence, “Spicer Girl (actually I quite like “Spicer Girl”),” among other, even less flattering garbage. (How dare you call me a wife beater even though I am one? I’d like to punch your girly mouth!)
We’d just like you to know, we can see you through the camera in your computer. We see you in your undies, slothful and pathetic. We see your porn site, your commie short stories, your doctors and what ails you, the empty wine bottles, your seditious emails, you picking your nose, black people coming in and out of your house, that Girl Scout that was sitting on your lap so you’d buy her out of cookies. Okay, I made that last one up—fake news—just like you do! And there is a cat wandering in and out. We could easily kidnap that cat nip.
Get it? With one keystroke, we could humiliate you, destroy you, Genehouse!
But! You’re clever! You’re funny! “Whitey House”: what a hoot! “Talibannon” Haha! Mein Herr, have you ever thought of turning your writing gifts into a force for change? You could “chuck” Shumer, play reed on Harry, pluck that Nancy P-gal’s face job, ham hock Hillary, make Governor Moonbeam into a moon shadow, ram Rahm, burn, Bernie, burn. You are just writing for the wrong team, guy!
In a short amount of time and a large amount of untraceable cash, we could show you how to write “birther-style” (Obama, oh-gone-uh), jig the Jews, bash the blacks, wuss the women, lambaste Latinos, disorient Orientals, mix the Mex, light up the libtards. Sound like fun? Hell, yeah!
Or: We can “show” you having sex with sheep, loving llamas, 69-ing the San Francisco 49ers, sodomizing songbirds! Your choice!
Actually, you have no choice. See the attached file to know that you’re now the author of “The Pussy-House Chronicles: How the Alt-Right Put Women in Their Place in the Kitchen with Dinah.”
“Makes America great again!” Amos Fitz, author, “The Klan Kookbook: Foods for Righteous White People.” “A slap in the face to cunts everywhere.” Ted Newgent.
You always said you wanted to publish a book. Well, you “have,” Genehouse! We’re lining up your book tour now, starting with a string of snake handler churches in Alabama and an TV appearance with Pat Roberts where you tell how you were converted from liberalism and homosexuality!
Your ghostwriting pal,