January 20, 2016
According to the St. Louis Post Dispatch (no, I’m not joking), Senator Ted Cruz has a TV commercial coming out for this weekend’s NFL games. The Tedster is shown in a Louisiana duck blind, his face smeared with black greasepaint, and a shotgun pointed upward. At his side is the King of the Fake Hillbillies, Phil Robertson. Ted ejaculates—I mean shoots—but we don’t know if he hits anything. (Actually, he hits my heart.) And Phil says, “You’re one of us, my man.”
This gave me an idea, about other manly scenes Ted might want to shoot (no pun intended; bear with me).
Scene from “The Revenant”: Ted Cruz, inserted in place of Leonardo Dicaprio, in a frontiersman outfit and a flintlock rife, slogs through snow. Suddenly, a grizzly bear charges at him. Ted mugs for the camera, turns to the bear and says, “Hey there, I’m Ted! Teddy Bear. Me bear, too!”
The bear, perhaps confused, stops in its tracks. “I am running for President of this here national park. I want to take back this national park and make it a business park! I want good, decent oil and gas men to rid you and your forest buddies of all that smelly stuff in the ground, and hey, you got too many trees. Let’s thin it out some—what you say?”
The bear eats him head first. The bear’s wife and kids start feeding on Senator Cruz. Her husband says, “He is one of us, this man.”
Scene from “They Died with Their Boots On.” Ted Cruz, inserted in place of Errol Flynn as George Armstrong Custer, standing alone, his fellow cavalry comrades dead all around him. As the Indians charge at him, Ted throws down his pistol, smiles and says, “I come in peace!”
The Indians, perhaps confused, stop and listen. “Hey, guys, y’all Native Americans, I am for free enterprise, just like you! And you guys: look at you, all healthy and tanned; you don’t need no friggin’ Obamacare! Hey, sorry for all these feisty white guys around me. I was just following orders. What say we have a meal together?”
The Indians shoot him full of arrows, cut out his heart and eat it, with a nice Chianti and some pinto beans. The braves chant, “He is one of us!”
He is one of us—albeit from a branch of evolution that produced morons, jackasses, sapheads, idiots, cuckoos, witlings, clods, addleheads, loons, fools, cretins, boobies, dotards and old zombie-eyes Michelle Bachmann.
“Ted Cruz: He’s a trashy, demagogic sumbitch, but he’s MY trashy, demagogic sumbitch. I am Eugene Baldwin, and I approved of this message.”
