The Two Rs

A new study has been published showing that raccoons and Trump Republicans (Trumpublicans) are “dumber than warm spit.” The study, published by the Phish Fist Institute, a centrist think tank, reported that raccoons, when placed in voting booths, voted for loonies, head bangers, xylophones, “crunchy things,” slinky toys, and the newly created category “Sara Palin, Special Limited Edition Looney.”

The response to the study was swift. “It’s fake news,” said lawyer and Trump apologist Rudy Giuliani. “The temperature of the spit makes absolutely no difference.”

Raccoons were likely to vote for what they perceived as masked candidates, or candidates whose views were duplicitous by design. Their religious views indicated that voting raccoons tended to see trash cans as God.

The coons’ Trump Republican counterparts voted much the same, showing a marked preference for candidates with dead eyes, who slapped their girl cousins on the behind, had hidden in a barn for forty years “waitin’ for White Jesus” (known as Pencians), or dreamed last night they were in Hillbilly Heaven.

Dr. Marcus Felton, chair of the online university “PhD U.” (Pennsylvania Hot Damn Ululation), led the study. 25,000 Trump Republicans and sixteen raccoons were surveyed. More raccoons had been recruited, but they all fell asleep.
“The new Trumpublicans are depressed, afraid, outraged,” Felton remarked. “Thus, President Eisenhower today is a Libtard. Raccoons are smarter and better problem solvers. Also, to a raccoon a garbage can is a garbage can, no matter what the color of the God/owner.”

Roseanne Barr, when asked to comment, said “The Muslim Brotherhood and ‘Planet of the Apes’ had a baby, Valerie Jarret, who then had a baby, Mike Pence.”

Old Squinty, the head of the National Office Council of End-times Raccoons (NOCERS), said he and his tribe figured out many years ago that they were smarter than Trump Republicans. “They leave trash everywhere,” Old Squinty commented. “They believe littering laws attack their right to be pigs. Heck, every time a holiday comes around, me and my coonster kids eat so damn much leftovers, we gain a pound apiece.”

NOCERS has begun a recycling business called Yes, We CAN! Raccoons encounter so much tonnage of aluminum cans and paper products discarded by Trumpublicans, they decided to market the moldy gold. Fortune 500 is predicting Yes, We CAN will be the hottest stock of the next three years.

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