Godfray Village News
Dear Mr. Baldwin,
As you know, the Village of Godfray has passed the Godfray United Neighbors Nervous Unless Toting (GUNNUT) ordinance. Every Godfray citizen of voting age is hereby ordered to keep firearms in the home.
As you also know, you responded to the new village mandate by purchasing a Nerf Super Soaker Barrage with “durable construction; large reservoir holds a whopping 84 oz. of water; three spray settings to choose from; capable of reaching targets up to 38 ft. away.” Ha-ha. The joke is on GUNNUT.
As John Wayne would say, “Not so fast, pilgrim!”
Clearly, you do not take the Village of Godfray or GUNNUT seriously. However, we believe in second chances. We note from the tax records that your domicile consists of 800 square feet. Accordingly, the following guns are deemed appropriate for you:
Glock 500 (“the mower”), Colt .77 (“the two-hand shredder”), AK-107 (“the driller”), Mossberg 117-gauge shotgun (“the pulverizer)”. We can assure you these peacemakers can reach targets farther away than 38 ft. Your targets–burglars, murderers, malingerers, bunnies–will be doused in a watery substance aka “blood.”
Just present this letter to any gun store or private citizen or teenager who has one in his closet or crazy old geezer who sits in his lawn chair and waves a pistol, and you will receive $200 in coupons good for: The Corny Maze, Gladys Hair, Hares R Us, Heirlooms Almost Always Make Us Cry, Gunny’s Diner, Shotgun Frankie and Frankette’s Hot Dog Emporium, Bullet Hardware and Fish Bait, Pitbull One Stop Insurance, Gas America, Rat-a-Tat-Tat Cat Groomers, Gaseous (French cuisine) and Chick Filly.
The Village of Godfray, a mucho-minded MAGA mingler, stands AND sits AND crawls AND sleeps with our President. If you don’t like it, we will send you back to All-Town where they love libtards, snowflakes, women’s libbers, underwear sniffers, darkies, fat cheerleaders, Old Black Joes, Old White Joe Biden, and “Old Man River.”
This is your last warning, journalist boy.
Elizabeth Warrant, Chairman (not chairwoman) GUNNUT (not Dunkin’ Donut)
Village of Godfray*
*not affiliated with the Village of Godfrey, Illinois, Godfree, Illinois or God Free Atheist compound somewhere in Illinois