White Like Me

August 28, 2014

Fox News commentator Sean Hannity was shot to death in New York City today by a black police officer. Hannity, who had been pulled over on a routine traffic violation, was discovered to have Strawberry Twizzlers that he had shoplifted from a local candy store.

Hannity allegedly got out of his car and asked the officer, Tyrone Jones-Jones-Brown of 2626 Ebony Lane in Harlem (wife Jemma, and children LJ and MJ, 7th and 8th grades, Roosevelt Middle School, 212-666-6666, cell phone 212-999-9999, back door not locked), if he, the officer, knew who he, Hannity was. The officer said, “Yes, you apostate from the deepest depths of hell,” and shot Hannity six times, counted to three and shot the Fox star four more times.

“This murder of white males has got to stop,” Ronald Caucasian, president of NAWPPY (National Association of White Police Patrol Yes!), said. “Our white young men clog the prison system. The black police officers patrol our streets with automatic weapons and Humvees and percussion grenades. Heck, our white women all date black dudes. We are an endangered species. We call upon the EPA to declare it so before we go the way of the bald eagle.”

New York City is 63% white, yet there are few white police officers on the force. White women and white children now walk the streets of BrooklynHeights and in Macy’s Department Store, in terror, as black women and black children and black dogs and black cats and black goldfish displace them.

“Ain’t got no place to go, Jesus,” one white woman was quoted as saying.

Hannity allegedly told colleagues that he would be killed for telling the truth about Ben Ghazi, Barack Obama’s African citizenship, Nancy Pelosi’s face lift, Newt Gingrich’s robotic brain controlled by the Central Unintelligent Agency, Rand Paul’s fake ophthalmology degree which he awarded to himself, liberal death squads joining up with ISIS and Chelsea Clinton ugly jokes.

A protest March will be held this evening led by Reverend Pat Robertson—“if the reverend can walk that far,” said a white spokesman.

Hannity’s firearm will be on display at the Smithsonian Museum of the White Male in Poughkeepsie, next to the stuffed Rush Limbaugh and the wax William F. Buckley, in the Ayn Rand School of Turgid Writing God is Dead room.

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