December 22, 2015
I spent most of yesterday getting more post surgery tests regarding my C5 cadaver bone. We’ll know next week if the surgery has to be done over.
Meantime, I’ve learned the identity of the donor whose bone is nestled in my neck: a girl named Velveeta Cheese’ncrackered of the Dallas Cheese’ncrackereds who famously fought in the 2013 Black Friday battle with crazed shoppers at the Alamo Mall in Paris, Texas.
Velveeta was but fifteen years old when she tried to grab a new microwave out of another customer’s hand in WalMart, and the other customer’s brother shoved Velveeta’s head into the microwave, grabbed the electric cord and plugged it in thus uh, melting poor Miss Cheese’ncrackered. At her funeral, her coffin was draped with a banner reading, “Remember the Alamo Mall.”
The unfortunate young woman’s organs and bones were harvested with the caveat that only white people could be recipients. The family sent their psychic cousin, Angus Beef Cheese’ncrackered to each bone recipient, whereupon we were able to communicate with Velveeta from the next world.
The following was taped at my bedside last night:
Angus Beef Cheese’ncrackered: Velveeta? Y’all there, sweetie?
Velveeta Cheese’ncrackered: What in the hell’m I doin’ stuck in a old man’s neck?
Angus: Now, Cuz, Mr. Baldwin’s family paid good money for your bone. We can buy us that meth lab equipment now.
Velveeta: You know what that geezer was doin’ last night? Playin’ with hisself—right there in his bed. And he was watchin’ that Democrat debate on the T & V, and got a erection every time that bitch Hillary spoke.”
Eugene Baldwin: I was merely arranging my “boys” before I slept. Angus, I want that kid out of my neck.
Velveeta: I want that pervert to give back my bone.
Angus: White people, can’t we all just get along? Velveeta, the money done been spent. Gene, guy, try a little restraint. My cousin is a delicate little gal.
Eugene: Your cousin is a dead little gal, and her bone is mine.
Velveeta: That’s it. That is it! I am rejectin’ you, you baldheaded—
Eugene: I am used to rejection by women.
Angus (pleading): Velveeta Cheese’ncrackered, mind your manners, gal!
Velveeta: It is my body, and I—
Angus: OR! I will give away all the rest of your bones to you-know-what!
Velveeta: You wouldn’t.
Velveeta: Black people? Try it, mister, and I will appear to my daddy in a dream and tell how my cousin Angus used to play with my—
Angus: Mr. Baldwin, sir, can I interest you in a partnership in a meth lab?
Velveeta: Come to think of it, Daddy used to play with my—
Eugene: This is breaking bad.
Angus: And on Christmas Eve-Eve-Eve, what a shame. Merry Christmas, Velveeta. And to you, Gene.
Eugene: Alright, Merry Christmas, Angus Beef, and you too, Velveeta— oh . . . Oh. What are you doing to my neck, girl? Oh. What are you doing to my life, girl? Oh. Just a little bit lower, girl . . . On the first day of Christmas, Velveeta gave to me . . .
Remember the Alamo Mall.