December 7, 2015

The worst argument I ever got into, involved the great Randy Newman’s song “Short People.” A friend insisted that it was a disgusting and heinous mockery of genetics, while I pointed out the obvious satire. She never spoke to me again.

FYI: She was teeny.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel is a teeny man. Over the years, I met him in the company of former Mayor Richard Daley, at Gallery 37, an art project hiring teens as apprentices, at some city fundraisers (Mrs. Daley, a gracious woman, introduced me to Emmanuel, saying, “Gene is our theatre artist.” He fluttered his eyelids; he was very fluttery, was our Rhammy; to see his eyes close up was the see the real life Grinch.)

In his presence, you had to bend your knees; no way was Rahm looking up. I’ve noticed this about teeny men: the teenier, the more massive the ego; the more vengeful in perceiving slights. The few times we talked, he stared at my breastbone, until I lowered myself like a slow elevator. I was in a room with community organizer “Barry” Obama and Rahm, and Barry was bent over with his hands on his knees while they talked.)

Tom Cruise is teeny. I’m just saying.

Rahm Emmanuel’s personal story is as good as it gets—unless you really think about what it is that he said. My favorite Rahmism involved bananas, how he and his poverty- stricken brothers ate tons of overripe bananas. And like James Cagney (also teeny) gangster characters, the brothers rose up not in a masterful leadership way, but with slit-your-throat, banana deprived intensity. (Rahm’s brother Ari is portrayed in the series “Toadies.” I’m sorry: “Entourage.”)

Yule Brenner (I chauffeured for him back in the day) was teeny. His bodyguards were armed, and would grab you if you so much as looked at the King of Siam.

Now Mayor Emmanuel is under tremendous pressure. One of his cops has been indicted for murder. The video of that murder was suppressed for a long time. Not showing the mayor that video—as he is claiming—is literally unbelievable. He likely saw the tape the night it was shot—no pun intended.

Which explains why the city awarded the victim’s family $5,000,000 dollars to settle a non-existent case; the family hadn’t asked for it. In TeenyLand, nothing that could destroy an image is tolerated. You simply buy the enemy.

Good teeny: Gilda Radner; Louie from “Taxi”; Gandhi; Anna Kendrick; James Cagney; all God’s babies.

Rahm will not resign. Kings don’t resign. The evil Cardinal orders a hit, a rival plants a delusion and the King goes off his nut (“Othello”), or rivals have the King’s head chopped off. But Kings don’t resign.

So: Rhamsters (evil haters of His Majesty), don’t waste your breath over what won’t happen. Pray he steps in a puddle and drowns. Hope that a deranged little person reaches down and conks him on the head.

Or one of those heretofore unknown Republican Chicago states attorneys dressed in a K-Mart suit rises up, pulls down the microphone to his height and says, “J’ Accuse.”

Take the “r” off of “Rhamster” and what have you got?

I’m just saying.




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