November 21, 2016
Dear Mrs. Trump,
We the White house staff understand that you won’t be staying here during your husband’s presidency. We’re sorry that you view the nation’s house as not suitable for your needs. As I wrote to you previously per your request, we would not be able to set up a strip pole in the Lincoln Bedroom, nor would a private area be available for your naked photo shoots, the proposed “Viva Vulva” Room. Sorry about that.
As to your idea, that dressing the black White House attendants in period slave costumes, to as you put it, “provide an authentic experience for the American people,” and “give my ‘Donald Duckmeister’ the Colonial background he so richly deserves,” sorry, madam, we will not comply.
Re the Nazi banners that the delightful Mr. Bannon has requested for the main hallways, nix. Also, nix to the matchboxes decorated with the logo, “Deutsch sprachen here,” and to the front doorbell playing “Deutschland Uber Alles.” And really? Mr. Bannon wants Jews to enter through the back door, past the kitchen’s ovens?
No, no, Mrs. Trump, The Donald’s sons’ request, to turn the Rose Garden into a hunting preserve for lions and giraffes for “our bitchin’ dude friends,” will not be allowed. And we must also say no to the mini-Creationism museum, the Climate Change Denier Hotline, the Rudy Giuliani carboard cutout photo op, the Chris Christie Fat Boy Diner (“You want fries with dat?”), the Mike Pence is Gay Reversal Institute, the Ben Carson Cross-Eyed Fried Sweet Tater Pie booth, The Sarah Palin Hopey Changey Hippity Hoppity Conservative Poetry Slam, and Ivanka Trump’s Used Panties Wholesale Mall Outlet.
Because we wish to be fair and balanced, we will make space for the Hobby Lobby Lobbyists Lobbing Laissez-faire Lollipops to Loudmouth Latent Lap-Suckers. And we will sponsor the White House girl’s baseball team, the Trump Strumpets.
We have arranged for your requested separate bedroom facilities, when you visit. We certainly understand why you don’t want, as you put it,” “three hundred pounds of whale blubber pounding my p.”
You have my cellphone number. Feel free to call me day or night, though I prefer “Lance.”
Lance Boil Jizzfest
Chief of White House Staff and Doilies and Stuff
PS. We submitted your proposal, to have President-Elect Trump hold Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s you-know-what as he takes the oath of office. Her Honor has not responded.
Hugs and kisses,