Breaking News. The White has announced that the plane carrying Donald Trump to a Mideastern summit is a fake presidential plane. The fake plane will land in Moscow by this evening and drop Trump and wife Melania off, with no return flight scheduled.
When handed a note during his press briefing, Sean Spicer glanced at the paper and began shouting, “Yes!” Spicer composed himself and announced that the Trumps will be moved to a luxury one bedroom gulag in Siberia.
Strangely, Vice President Mike Pence cannot be found on White House grounds. Neither can Paul Ryan and every other person on the succession list all the way to Jeff Sessions, who will be sworn in early this evening. The swearing-in podium is being altered to accommodate the elfin one known affectionately as Jeffy the KKK.
When told of the fake plane, first daughter Ivanka is reported to have said, “I already know.”
White House staff cornered Kellyanne Conway in a hall closet and took her to the basement. She was thrown into a room with Steve Bannon, who was sitting on the floor and eating children in a corner. Bannon quoted W.C Fields’ famous line, “I love children, so long as they are properly cooked.”
We have just received word that Senator Lindsey Graham and Vice President Pence have been found clad only in Spanx at a Russian baths in Georgetown, surrounded by naked men getting spanked, and speaking into fake “microphones.”
Sources have told this correspondent that Reverend Franklin Graham, spawn of Billy, not Lindsey, is holding a prayer vigil at the Mall with his flock. It is reported that the sheep are “Quite nervous.” Graham has promised that God is expected momentarily.
When asked for a comment on former president Trump, Senator John McCain called breaking events, “Suspicious.”
The Washington Zoo has just refused to grant sanctuary to a very old turtle named McConnell. A PETA protest is post-positing pizzas to pernicious pols.
The Democratic Party, all six of them, are gathered at a Chipotle and binging on big burritos. They have come to an agreement on a new slogan for the country: “Make America Grate Their Teeth Again.”
Hillary Clinton has been standing on a soap box in Dumbarton Oaks Park and spouting like a whale, about how SHE is the actual 46th President of the United States. The electoral college was rounded up and forced to listen. Afterwards, they voted for Donald Trump.
This just in from Russia: A Russian MIG has intercepted the fake plane ferrying Donald Trump and fired Ted Cruz missiles, which bounced off the fake plane and blew up the MIG. Vladimir Putin has been unceremoniously shoved into a car and whisked away to a dacha. Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak has taken control of the government and named Donald Trump as the Russian Ambassador to the United States. Trump is expected to be in the US by tomorrow.
“It’s only a day away.”