Talking Texting

The legendary Chicago newspaper columnist and Pulitzer Prize winner, Mike Royko, once received a letter from a tourist who had been visiting from California. The man and his girlfriend had taken in a movie. By his own admission, they talked through the presentation. Then some real Chicagoans sitting behind the avocado suckers told them to shut up.

California Dreamer’s letter claimed that Chicagoans were rude and uncouth, and that a man seated behind them had slapped him on the head. Rest assured, the West Coast couple were never coming back. What did Mr. Royko think? And was the ruffian incident worthy of a column, about city manners?

Indeed, Royko reprinted the letter and then gave a response. In essence: You’re lucky I wasn’t there. I would have assisted the ruffians and dragged you and your Valley Girl out of the theatre and pummeled you and doused you with California wine and forced you to drink Old Style Beer.

Which brings us to Mr. Brandon Vezmar of Austin, Texas, who is suing his blind date for $17.31, over their attending a 3-D showing of “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Mr. Vezmar, who paid for the tickets, said that his date (an online blind date) pulled out her smart phone and began repeatedly texting.

He asked her to stop the texting, citing rudeness, and when she refused he suggested she go to the lobby. Not only did the woman go to the lobby, she walked through the lobby, out the door, and off she drove. By the way, she was Mr. Vezmer’s ride.

What would Mike Royko say?

I donned a tin hat and robes last night and burned some incense, and I was able to channel Royko’s therapist, Dr. I. M. Kookie, who graciously called Royko in heaven and told him about the blind date incident. First, he had to explain to Royko what a smart phone was.

“Suing isn’t nearly enough,” Royko told Dr. Kookie. “Brandon should have grabbed her smart phone and mashed it into the sticky-candied floor then handed it to the people sitting behind him, who would stomp it until the phone was on life support. Then hand the phone off to a conceal carry guy who would toss it into the air and shoot it. Then all the other conceal carry people – it is Texas after all – would pull .357 Magnum’s and Glock’s and .45’s from purses and underwear and shoes and socks and vaginas and fire at the smart phone. Then pick up the remains and drop them in the blind date’s popcorn.”

Dr. I. M. Kookie agreed. He was, after all, the founder of the Asylumism religion which theorized that Earth’s people were the insane rejects of other worlds.

As for our hero, Brandon Vezmer, I salute him. He showed admirable restraint. He believes that it is about ethics, the poor slob. He won’t give up until he gets back his $17.31. I salute him and all the other men and women who have had blind dates from hell, only to find that the dates looked nothing like their photos, were gaseous, had venereal disease or some such other general nuttiness.

I was Brandon Vezmer once. I went on a blind date with a woman who ordered $40 worth of food at an Indian restaurant – I was paying – then boxed up most of the food to take home. I didn’t sue her. I married her.

That showed her.

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