My hand surgeon Dr. Calfee told me today I have “Viking Hand,” a condition where the ligaments leading to the fingers thicken until bumps rise up under the skin of the palm. The bumps tighten along the ligaments and curl one’s hand inward. It’s an inherited condition, widely found in genetic Brits. I am Welsh, mystery solved. Who passed along Viking Hand to me, I do not know, but I have my suspicions.
If Judge Roy Moore had Viking Hand, it might explain his girl groping style. The hands of the afflicted are perfectly curved and suited for junior miss ass grabbing. Macbeth might have had Viking Hand, a new theory of the “out, out damned spot” crowd.
A little internet research has revealed some other aptly-named afflictions. “Mongol Mastoid,” for instance. In ancient times, Mongol invaders celebrated mass slaughter by repeatedly thrusting their spears into their own ears, the lobes of the affected ears growing thick and outward. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has thrusting ears. Mongol Mastoid Syndrome could explain why he met with Russians but didn’t hear them.
“Reichstag Shoulder” is attributed to Germans who inherited their grandfather’s shoulder joint condition, from repeatedly performing the Nazi salute. Certain divisions of the Luftwaffe, in late 1944 when they were out of planes to fly, were documented charging unarmed into advancing Russian positions, killing thousands of Russkies by stiff-arming them. Donald Trump clearly suffers from Reichstag Shoulder.
“Brobdingnagian Beak,” the repeated slamming of a whisky glass into the nose, causing abnormal bone growth and brain damage, can be seen in generations of imbibers. Steve Bannon, for instance, who when he gives a speech has to balance his torso backwards to offset his elephantine nose and can only spout gibberish.
“She’s Got Michele Bachman Eyes.” This is fairly common in Republicans without souls, which explains why the Republican National Convention looked like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“Ryan’s Run.” A variation of irritable bowel syndrome, where the sufferer shits out of his mouth. “Mock Turtle Head.” Kentucky’s own turtle-esque Mitch McConnel suffers from this condition, where a human head develops an oversized bony cavern which stores Ryan’s Run.
Finally, there is “Sara Palindrome,” where the demented speaker spouts gibberish while looking across the Bering Strait to see Russia. Example: “Swat God for a janitor; rot in a jar of dog paws.” Translation: We’re bringin’ God back to the working man, and Libtards can rot like the feminazis dogs they are.”
Of course, there is one public person who has Viking Hand, Mongol Mastoid, Reichstag Shoulder, Brobdingnagian Beak, She’s Got Michele Bachman Eyes, Ryan’s Run, Mock Turtle Head and Sara Palindrome, all rolled into one flatulent, beady little body.
The alt-Right Reverend Pat Roberson.
Can I get an Amen?